Honestly, I don’t know if the sadness ever really goes away. If you’ve been around since 2012, early that year I was a mess. The first half of that year was easily the worst 6 months of my life to date. My home life was in pieces, shattered to the point of no return. I was in love with Jared and he kept leaving and coming back and leaving again without a word. And then J came into my life and made me feel less sad about Jared. And then I juggled both of them for 3 months, made dumb decisions with J & kissed Jared which ultimately threw our friendship away. And even now, 2 years later, when I am in the happiest, most stable relationship I have ever been in, there are still days when I miss them. There are still days when all I do is lay in bed and write and reminisce about my memories with those two boys until my hand cramps hurt almost as much as my heart.
I don’t think you ever really stop missing anybody. You just find ways to cope with it, to distract yourself, and then eventually it stops for a little while. It’s okay to miss people. I think it’s important to allow yourself that comfort, but don’t get lost in it. Don’t let it take over your life.
And when all else fails, do your eyebrows, put on your favourite lipstick, and tell yourself that you’re a fierce fabulous babe and boys don’t matter. Works for me 90% of the time. ♡
it’s not like there was passion, a build up of any kind. just spontaneity. a natural thing, as easy as breathing. one minute you had your arm around me and the next that hand was holding mine, my lips were on your lips, and there was no backlash. only kissing. soft kisses, gentle kisses, one right after another kisses. you were the first boy who ever told me to stay. i cried on the way home because you and me, through all of our miserable brokenness, we made sense together. you promised me we were special, we would have been special together.
i can’t miss your nicknames, liebling & “my little eva” reserved just for me. i can’t miss the smile you saved for when i was being stubborn and you knew you were right. i can’t miss the way you chain smoked and that time we slow danced in my mother’s kitchen. i can’t miss holding your hand while we were stopped for a train in the stick shift car you don’t even have anymore.
i can’t smoke newport menthols without thinking of you. i can’t watch skins anymore because i got you hooked on it. i can’t listen to take a chance on me because that was our song.
six years of friendship down the tube because we loved each other, just never at the same time. i miss you, i miss you, i miss you.
feels like I just got punched in the mouth because I’m remembering the way you taste.
teddy x owen in the scrub room in 6x14 is giving me ALL THE JARED FEELS JESUS CHRIST.
it still blows my mind that justin & i have been together as long as we have because it still feels like just yesterday everything was blowing up in my face.
i hate remembering good times that i had with people who ended up being really shitty to me
have you ever stopped liking somebody that you liked a lot and suddenly notice that they are a shitty person and realize how blinded you were by how much you liked them
If the word “little” is in your pet name for me, I’ll probably love you. little sub, little Eva, little princess. I have loved each of those men in their own special ways.
"I wish you could stay."
The first time I heard this was the night I went to go see Jared. It was the night he was drunk on vodka cranberries and I was still his “little Eva.” That was night we kissed and then couldn’t stop kissing each other. It sticks out in my head as the first time someone said that to me, told me to stay, wanted me to stay.
I hate that word, stay.
last night, i woke up unable to breathe. i was panicky and covered in sweat. the ghosts of lovers past come to rear their ugly heads. you were telling me you wanted to love me now, and you promised me we’d be great together. there was a lot of blood, a lot of pain, someone lost their head. i still remember your faces, so crisp & clear, the smiles and the desire in your voices sounded genuine.
that’s what scared me the most. i’ve had a pit in my stomach all day and i’m in a funk that i just can’t shake.
spread your words here!